Aeroflot crashes again

The title in meant mainly in a public relations sense, not that, given their physical crash rate, there isn't a case to be made for the other meaning, as well. This time the story is of a drunken flight crew attacking their Aeroflot passengers [National Post, July 21, 04, A9]. They were so smashed they didn't serve the meal until the plane was in descent, thus spilling the food all over passengers' laps.

The story reminded me of a story of an acquaintance and his only trip with Aeroflot. It was in the late 70's and he had gotten the ticket through a 'bucket shop' agency in London. The flight plan was to go from London to Moscow to Bombay to Bangkok. Price $265. The flight section to Moscow was packed. Pre-teen children were sitting on their parents' laps. A regular meal and bar service were given. Upon arrival in Moscow, all that smiling charm disappeared. The velvet glove voice of the chief steward took on that of a Siberian gulag commandant. "You will leave all paper on the plane. No written material other than work-related papers can accompany you. You will be challenged," With that admonition, passengers left the plane and walked across the tarmac, accompanied on both sides by machine gun-toting police. Suddenly the line stopped dead. The head of the line had come to a metal stairway. There, one by one the passengers had to climb two stories and present their passports, visas and tickets. It took twenty-five minutes just to get into the airport. When they reached the transit lounge, there was a huge sign that said in English. "Welcome to Russia, comrades."

Part of that 'welcome' was for the 18 in-transit passsengers to occupy a room furnished with four plastic chairs (one broken) and no chance to buy anything. There was nothing to do except look at the grimy murals of Lenin and Stalin and the "Smash the Capitalists" propaganda posters which, come to think of it, would have been great souvenirs. It was of husky factory workers trampling a bunch of fat capitalists--one sporting a cumberbund--true capitalist piggies. The females had the forearms and the ham fists of lady wrestlers. They probably didn't put up with sexism, either. Their fresh peasant faces belied the serious a**-kicking capitalists in transit would get if they fooled with the USSR People's Paradise.

One traveller struck up a conversation with an East German, who was going to Bangkok to do engineering work. Along the way, that passenger remarked that the 2:30 flight to Bangkok couldn't come quickly enough since he didn't get one of the four chairs and had to stand. The German looked shocked. "But the Bangkok flight leaves at 2:10, not at 2:30", he said. "No, the ticket says 2:30." The engineer whipped out his own ticket and pointed out the time--2:10. Much laughter ensued as the German queried another German -- who had another flight time of 2:25. Either ineptitude or vast paranoia could account for these discrepancies. It was a good thing those three did not organize a time bet, because all were wrong. At 1:10 p.m., all were awakened from sensory-deprived stupor by a bullhorn voice announcing: "All Bombay/Bangkok passengers will proceed to gate 1. Have your carry-on luggage ready for inspection by customs." Why go through Russian customs? They hadn't been allowed to leave the in-transit room. Still, all meekly complied. Finally, once all safely herded together, they were escorted down a hallway that needed more lightbulbs. At the end, all had to again present passports and tickets for inspection. The gun-toting military met all at the bottom of the stairs, where they were semi-frog marched to the plane they had left. It had only been refueled. One passenger's Time magazine had disappeared.

The plane ascended with its eleven passengers. One of the three who had conferred over departure times tried to sit opposite his new-found German acquaintance but was directed back to his seat by a rather bullish stewardess, who could have been the female in the "capitalism crushed" poster. It was a command, not a request. The East German said, "I'm used to rudeness in East Germany, but this is too much. These airport people must all come from the other side of the mountains. I'll send a beer up to you to show you we communists are not all barbarians like these Russians." Well, he never did, simply because his call (among others) for beer were met with a stern, "Nyet!" Finally, exasperated by their demands, the stewardess walked into the front crew section and never emerged for the remainer of the flight to Bombay. At least Soviet technological backwardness had one advantage. When one hit the mechanism to have the seat decline, the seat collapsed 90 degrees, effectively turning it into a bed. The one who told this story slept through most of the eleven hour flight to Bombay.

© Bud--A new extreme sport for the traveller is there for the picking. Try some of the other Eastern European airlines -- you know, the ones with guillotine metal food trays. Guess what would happen if the plane hit rough weather.