March 02, 2004

Haiti -- Ken vs Barbie in Court

I believe that Haiti is a basketcase; but it has always been a basketcase. Two hundred years of liberation from slavery has wrought only despotism and fathomless ignorance. America can't save it, nor can France. It is one of those beknighted countries like Mauritania or Guinea-Bissau that defy any rational solutions. Best just to say, "The train wreck's over, folks. Let's move along now."

Anyway, Haiti is a minor worry right now. Barbie's Ken is in total disrepute. I happened to have read Barbie's petition for divorce. Ugly stuff indeed. Here are some of the salient points.

Whereas Ken (henceforth to be named the respondent) has had a common law relationship with Barbie (henceforth to be called the petitioner) and, whereas he has never consummated their relationship of 43 years, the petitioner wishes to file for divorce in the state of California--Hollywood division. The reasons for said divorce, on irreconciliable differences, are as follows: to wit:

* The respondent is of ambiguous sexuality
* The respondent suffers from a lack of commitment
* The respondent refuses to wear his princely costumes
* The respondent has been unsupportive of the petitioner's numerous career moves
* The respondent has engaged in serial binge drinking with male friends, "inter alia" GI Joe and Mr. Potato Head
* The petitioner has formed a bond with the Australian surfer dude, Blaine, who assures her he is anatomically correct
* The petitioner was publicly humiliated by the respondent who stated that her boobs were 100% plastic
* Furthermore, the petitioner asks for sole custody of the pink sports car, the pink yacht, the pink condo retreat, and her 5,653 designer outfits. In addition, the petitioner requests $2,000,000 in damages for the mental cruelty and loss of affection that the respondent has brought forth. [Would that be because he was not anatomically correct? NJC]


IF YOU FAIL TO RESPOND TO THIS PETITION WITHIN A MONTH, JUDGMENT WILL BE GIVEN IN YOUR ABSENCE

H***, I always figured it was only my knowledge of Barbie's Ken that enabled the barmaids of the world to remember me. I have always thought that this was the reason that I was allowed to extend my happy hour in at the B********* in the country of ****** -- well, that and the fact that I always bought a grotestquely carved coconut from the roving artist, and then demanded an extra drink for "mi suegra".

© Bud -- thinking of changing my name to Blaine

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