In Remembrance of Mother: dedicated to all those who did not have a demonstrative, loving mother

The following article comes from someone who wishes to remain anonymous. I did not publish it on Mother's Day, partly because of other pressing concerns and partly because it will probably offend most people. It does not have that "icky-sweet, I remember Momma" tone of most Mother's Day tributes. Yet, I think it is far more realistic for all those who remember a somewhat different kind of mother. For that reason, I think the message is more important than are flowery words easily gushed forth for one day of the year . . . if you read to the end.

Note:

I have edited this by listing items and making other small changes but the essence has not been altered. NJC

Yesterday, I forgot it was Mother's Day, until it was almost over. I thought about why. As a mother, mine was extraordinarily responsible, though hardly what one would term a "loving" parent. I never heard her say anything about loving, but her life was a tribute to making do, to stoicism and shouldering responsibility, even when she felt most unready and perhaps quite unequal to the task. She survived.

Mother and I never really knew what made the other tick; it made for a strange relationship but Mother will be remembered with gratitude for the lessons she taught, or allowed me to learn, not that she always realized what lessons I would take from her. Other lessons evolved as a result of this strange relationship with one who would never have chosen me as a child. Nor, for that matter, in the earlier years, would I have chosen her; she was too demanding of perfection, dissatisfied with me and my efforts and too undemonstrative. Besides, her regard was conditional upon making the right noises whether truly meant or not and, of course, bending to her iron will. I chose never to stoop . . . and so we were at loggerheads. She was also an expert in playing one against another, whether through praising a neighbour child or a family member to demonstrate and emphasize my shortcomings. She had her ways, very effective ones.

Yet her weaknesses brought me unexpected and positive consequences. How sad for both of us and yet, it was the lessons she taught by example, added to the ones she passed on unintentionally, that have been most influential and beneficial in my life.

She taught, not by talking and patiently explaining, for she was not the type to do that, perhaps could not. Certainly, better than empty words she could not feel--mimicking the sounds of a loving mother--she taught lessons harder to learn. They have proved to be her most valuable legacy. While what she taught may seem austere, without humour and fun, her influence, detailed below, has been more valued by me.

* Whatever else happens, work keeps one going. Don't waste time worrying; just dig in and get the necessary work done. Either the worst will happen or it won't, but you'll have the immediate work done, anyway.

* Work and sleep cure almost everything; for the rest there are a cuddly kitten and / or a puppy, along with wildlife and birds.

* Expect nothing; you'll never be disappointed . . . and plan for the worst. The bottom can drop out of your world with no warning.

* A person can survive almost anything; just put one foot ahead of the other, no matter what happens. It will pass.

* Nature, trees, water, wildlife and solitude are a balm for the soul, a way to re-energize and face another day.

* Friendships are ephemeral--except for one or two; never trust anyone too far nor too much. Things change unexpectedly so prepare to survive.

* Practice frugality--of the home-made bread, baked beans, and preserves variety. Learn to grow it, do it or make it yourself--well enough for survival, at least. Learn to make and love foods that can be stretched, such as soups by adding liquid and vegetables.

* As a single parent, she was always there -- no boyfriends, no second husband. There would be no more frivolity if there ever were any. Life would be hard and serious. From the point of view of a child, that sense of responsibility and a father not replaced is reassuring, whatever it might have been for her. No-one could take the place of her husband and a perfect father, for so he seemed by comparison, in my childish mind. Yet, it was she who was left with the work, hence, her next lessons.

* Keep learning even when you don't understand, for you must be ready to support yourself whatever happens. Maybe you'll figure it out; at least you will learn to persevere. Some day it will all come together--to click in--and you'll know--or you won't--but you will have learned not to quit much of anything you must do. Just maybe, there will be an epiphany and you will understand.

* Stick with something--or someone--just because it is the right thing to do. Take care of those who took care of you, particularly, family -- not in the Liberal government $$$ sense, but in the old-fashioned sense of just doing what has to be done, even when you don't want to. It may bring good karma--or you will feel virtuous and that is not a bad feeling either. It won't last so you'll have to renew . . . . . and renew.

* The things you accumulate will only become junk to be moved about or given away. What you put in your head won't need to be stored anywhere else and you can always pack in more. You can't take anything with you so what happens to material goods in the end won't matter at all. Give away things whenever you can bring yourself to, even what seems most valuable because of the memories associated with them. Things that trigger memories have value for that reason, so you don't have to give all away.

* Having food and a roof over your head are just about enough.

* Give to the poor . . . and to drunks and fools; you never know when you will be part of that group that slipped through the cracks . . . for whatever reasons . . . whether through one's own fault or not. You just don't know what will happen so build up a stash of good works in case there is a God who keeps a reckoning. Which brings me to the last one . . .

* Go to church, synagogue, temple or place of worship, even when you're not sure what can be known, given the imperfection of the human mind and even though you think you do not believe, cannot believe, or are convinced you are too smart for all that. Places of communal worship and fellowship are a bulwark for the family and support the best instincts of a society, even though there have been a few bad apples associated with them. It is important to remember that a little awe and fear of a Supreme Being, First Principle, or whatever that God is named, along with the concept of eternity, help to put things here in perspective. We pale to insignificence, as do our concerns, when we consider eternity.

There were other lessons which don't come to mind right now; this is enough to show that this was a kind of love, for it gives a child what is necessary to keep going in the face of adversity, to survive. Some lessons arose out of her example; others arose out of necessity because of her. Not all lessons were as negative and austere as they sound for, unexpectedly, they have have led to a kind of peace, in the Buddhist sense of desiring little. It is very difficult not to desire a few things, but it may come close. Not all lessons have been observed scrupulously but it was Mother who led me to them.

Thanks to my Mother who was a good parent carrying a heavy load.

It is not a bad legacy for an "undemonstrative" parent, is it?

The fun stuff one can learn for oneself.

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